My Crappy Action Movie Pitch
It's redundant to say it, but crappy action movies are crappy. It's true and we all know it. Despite this, we all have a soft spot for a few crappy action movies based on your preference. Smokin' Aces. Con Air. Etc. It doesn't matter how many people tell you the movie is awful (you might even be very aware that it's awful), there's just something about it that you love.
The formula is pretty standard. Lots of action, semi-comprehensible plot, terribly delivered dialogue that makes you wonder "would that have been a kick ass line if not for the acting?," and maybe a zany little twist at the end that could make everything that has happened before it totally impossible (see Book of Eli).
This morning in my Wills & Trusts class we were discussing a little policy on certain state statutes. This lead to a little hypothesizing of my own in my mind, which lead to this idea: My first crappy action movie script. Let me give you the pitch:
It's the year 2000. Tom Hajj (I'm going to use the names of everyone I know for now, I'm not far enough into the process to have character names) has just turned 21. His father, TVOR, is one of the wealthiest men in the world, owning and operating a giant conglomerate. After a quiet sit down, celebratory birthday dinner in their massive dining room, the Hajj's have a talk. 21 years old, Tom has accomplished little to nothing with his life. No job. Dropped out of college. He's just living off of his family's wealth. A heated argument ensues between Tom and his parents which results in Tom storming out of the house, getting in to his car and driving away.
We follow Tom as he drives away, clearly angered at the wheel. He is almost involved in an accident when he is nearly run off the road by four cars coming from the opposite direction at high speed. Tom drives on, but we follow these cars as they make their way to the Hajj estate. They pull up, and several men come out of each vehicle, all armed. Inside the house they blast their way through security as well as the house staff before reaching TVOR and his wife. Turns out TVOR's company had developed some high-tech surveillance equipment that was almost able to take down the areas biggest organized crime family, the Culhanes. Don Pat Culhane comes forward and shoots and kills the Hajj's.
Cue the opening credits.
Over the opening credits we see clips of the funeral including a sad and crushed Tom Hajj, and newspaper headlines revealing that although he almost was put away for the crime, Don Culhane ultimately got off. After a quick string of other crimes immediately following the murder, Don JCulhane went into hiding. A multi-million dollar bounty is on his head for any information leading to his arrest.
Opening Credits end.
"10 Years Later"
Nothing about Tom Hajj has changed except that in addition to his slothful life he has now also become a recluse. After inheriting his parents multi-billion dollar estate, he hired his one and only friend Eric Jackson to work as his butler, although the title is only that. Together, they sit around most days and do nothing. One day, after watching a brief news story about the 10-year anniversary of teh double murder of his parents:
SCENE
INT. Hajj Estate Living Room
TOM
31 years old and I've done nothing with my life. I couldn't even get justice. If I could just have that I'd be okay with it all.
ERIC
Well that doesn't look likely. The bounty for information leading to Don Culhane's arrest is up to $5 million. I mean, just information that leads to an arrest. If you're Don Culhane, you don't come out of wherever you are with a price tag like that on your head, unless you have information about someone else worth even more.
TOM
What did you say?
ERIC
Well it wouldn't make sense for him to actually come out if he had information about something, but...
TOM
You gave me an idea. Call my lawyer.
(TOM quickly gets up and grabs his keys before heading towards the door)
ERIC
What? Why?
TOM
I'm gonna put a bigger price-tag on my own head.*
* This is the bad line of dialogue that will be in every trailer we show.
Tom and Eric arrive at their lawyers office, which turns out to be Mike Weinhold, an old friend of Tom's that he hasn't seen since the funeral. Tom, the slothful billionaire he is, never really had time to see who his lawyer is or even care. Tom tells Mike that he wants to draft a will. A will that would leave his entire multi-billion estate with the heirs of Don Culhane. With such a hefty reward for Tom's death, Don Culhane will certainly send every hit man he has to the Hajj estate to have Tom killed.
After revealing the plan Eric and Mike both try to talk Tom out of it, but he is set on the idea. If he can avenge his parents, he will consider his previously wasted life a success. Mike reluctantly drafts the will. We also find out that Mike has made plenty of money himself as lead counsel for this mega-corporation, but his life lacks excitement. After drafting the will, Mike reveals that he wants in. Together, the three intend to lure Don Culhane out and avenge the death of Tom's parents.
A press conference is held, announcing the will. The bizarreness of it all gets lots of media attention, piquing the interest of Don Culhane, who begins to assemble a team of hit men to swarm the Hajj estate.
**********
Alright, that's it for now because I have to do real work, but you get the gist. That's your basic set-up. There will be a large attack on the estate, plenty of police presence there as well. And a twist that I may or may not know yet. Let me know if this is crappy enough.
The formula is pretty standard. Lots of action, semi-comprehensible plot, terribly delivered dialogue that makes you wonder "would that have been a kick ass line if not for the acting?," and maybe a zany little twist at the end that could make everything that has happened before it totally impossible (see Book of Eli).
This morning in my Wills & Trusts class we were discussing a little policy on certain state statutes. This lead to a little hypothesizing of my own in my mind, which lead to this idea: My first crappy action movie script. Let me give you the pitch:
It's the year 2000. Tom Hajj (I'm going to use the names of everyone I know for now, I'm not far enough into the process to have character names) has just turned 21. His father, TVOR, is one of the wealthiest men in the world, owning and operating a giant conglomerate. After a quiet sit down, celebratory birthday dinner in their massive dining room, the Hajj's have a talk. 21 years old, Tom has accomplished little to nothing with his life. No job. Dropped out of college. He's just living off of his family's wealth. A heated argument ensues between Tom and his parents which results in Tom storming out of the house, getting in to his car and driving away.
We follow Tom as he drives away, clearly angered at the wheel. He is almost involved in an accident when he is nearly run off the road by four cars coming from the opposite direction at high speed. Tom drives on, but we follow these cars as they make their way to the Hajj estate. They pull up, and several men come out of each vehicle, all armed. Inside the house they blast their way through security as well as the house staff before reaching TVOR and his wife. Turns out TVOR's company had developed some high-tech surveillance equipment that was almost able to take down the areas biggest organized crime family, the Culhanes. Don Pat Culhane comes forward and shoots and kills the Hajj's.
Cue the opening credits.
Over the opening credits we see clips of the funeral including a sad and crushed Tom Hajj, and newspaper headlines revealing that although he almost was put away for the crime, Don Culhane ultimately got off. After a quick string of other crimes immediately following the murder, Don JCulhane went into hiding. A multi-million dollar bounty is on his head for any information leading to his arrest.
Opening Credits end.
"10 Years Later"
Nothing about Tom Hajj has changed except that in addition to his slothful life he has now also become a recluse. After inheriting his parents multi-billion dollar estate, he hired his one and only friend Eric Jackson to work as his butler, although the title is only that. Together, they sit around most days and do nothing. One day, after watching a brief news story about the 10-year anniversary of teh double murder of his parents:
SCENE
INT. Hajj Estate Living Room
TOM
31 years old and I've done nothing with my life. I couldn't even get justice. If I could just have that I'd be okay with it all.
ERIC
Well that doesn't look likely. The bounty for information leading to Don Culhane's arrest is up to $5 million. I mean, just information that leads to an arrest. If you're Don Culhane, you don't come out of wherever you are with a price tag like that on your head, unless you have information about someone else worth even more.
TOM
What did you say?
ERIC
Well it wouldn't make sense for him to actually come out if he had information about something, but...
TOM
You gave me an idea. Call my lawyer.
(TOM quickly gets up and grabs his keys before heading towards the door)
ERIC
What? Why?
TOM
I'm gonna put a bigger price-tag on my own head.*
* This is the bad line of dialogue that will be in every trailer we show.
Tom and Eric arrive at their lawyers office, which turns out to be Mike Weinhold, an old friend of Tom's that he hasn't seen since the funeral. Tom, the slothful billionaire he is, never really had time to see who his lawyer is or even care. Tom tells Mike that he wants to draft a will. A will that would leave his entire multi-billion estate with the heirs of Don Culhane. With such a hefty reward for Tom's death, Don Culhane will certainly send every hit man he has to the Hajj estate to have Tom killed.
After revealing the plan Eric and Mike both try to talk Tom out of it, but he is set on the idea. If he can avenge his parents, he will consider his previously wasted life a success. Mike reluctantly drafts the will. We also find out that Mike has made plenty of money himself as lead counsel for this mega-corporation, but his life lacks excitement. After drafting the will, Mike reveals that he wants in. Together, the three intend to lure Don Culhane out and avenge the death of Tom's parents.
A press conference is held, announcing the will. The bizarreness of it all gets lots of media attention, piquing the interest of Don Culhane, who begins to assemble a team of hit men to swarm the Hajj estate.
**********
Alright, that's it for now because I have to do real work, but you get the gist. That's your basic set-up. There will be a large attack on the estate, plenty of police presence there as well. And a twist that I may or may not know yet. Let me know if this is crappy enough.
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